15 Months. 14 Months (don’t believe it)

Pre-election Halloween, 2025. I am the Future, my face is a mirror and I offer Hope.

In this new “19 Months” update, I cover the last two months with a blog that is split into two sections - Illusion and Reality. 

The question is: which will you read first?

ILLUSION

Lately I feel like I have been placed in a class with a whole bunch of advanced students - despite being ill-equipped to keep up with them.

This summer we had spent so much money, time and effort to get me to Canada and Dr. Joe’s event - and yet my numbers are still rising. 

I was also feeling that the demands of supporting this healing seemed at cross purposes with not only earning money, but creating a financial future. In particular, video editing, traditionally a sedentary, EMF saturated lifestyle, was becoming more difficult, and seemed to set off food cravings I didn’t have when I worked on stuff I liked.  

And the US election seemed to (hopefully temporarily) pulverize my mostly progressive community - very few work emails were coming in. 

I knew that this was a magnificent opportunity to create conversations and foster outreach. But why wasn’t my will responding to this? 

It felt like a perfect storm was brewing, and knowing intellectually that it held both challenge and opportunity didn’t always translate into creating the proper mindset in a brain and body that felt so very overtaxed.

I needed a new system, but felt like I was at the end of my resources.

My wonderful coaching community and other folks had opened their hearts and poured out their support, and I was incredibly grateful; but during the last few months, I couldn’t help but feel they were trying to finance a sinking ship. 

Despite my focus on creating a healing mindset by using all my training of the last 10 years, the cumulative effect of ongoing medication felt like an oppressive weight on my shoulders. The incredibly strict lifestyle interventions held their own challenges. I often felt I simply couldn’t achieve this protocol to my complete satisfaction, and this could create a pattern of shame and guilt when things didn’t go as perfectly as I would have wished. 

What I heard in my head: “How dare you fail when so many people have supported you?” 

It was like I knew, absolutely, what I needed to do, but no longer had the stuff to make it happen. 

I said yes to another round of chemical castration (Lupron injection), even while the doctors said it wasn’t working as much (they still said take it). I said yes to adding in chemotherapy, beginning November 26th. I spent hours a day researching doctors and treatments and possibly alternatives to this, but the numbers suggesting being proactive. 

Still, I continued a time consuming but rewarding diet and exercise regime. I continued to navigate and make decisions on the huge amount of information out there about what to do (one expert often contradicting the next). And: I was doing A LOT of alternative treatments simultaneously. Thousands of dollars worth.

Perhaps most frustrating of all, meditation (the most important part of my day), began to become harder. OK: cancer can take away sex, food, career, spare time - but please don’t affect my connection with God!

And then, the election: a political event that seemed to me to eradicate global hope for the future. Even with the scope of my current challenges, this factor seemed to profoundly diminish all of my optimism. It felt like I had been trying to navigate a bewilderingly advanced maze a little beyond my abilities…and then having a hammer smash down upon the entire experiment. 

My financial situation, after spending all that money on naturopathic and integrative treatment, seemed the biggest stressor of all. To get to Canada and Colorado, I raised about 60% through donations, but also had to pre-sell a lot of work to clients, which I spent the last two months trying to get on top of. The most recent fundraiser allowed me several infusions and a few months of supplements…but not a lot of new work was coming in.

This felt like A LOT of overwhelm. It was leaving me with a brain that was regressing towards being very proficient at creating unhelpful thoughts. In short: a head full of raging nonsense.

REALITY

I have heard that folks stepping up to new challenges in their lives often experience a surge in circumstantial difficulties. Almost like a gauntlet has been thrown down: “You want the good stuff? Here’s how to earn it.”

My own coach, my USM education, Devon Bandison’s Game Changers, Carolyn Freyer-Jones coaching, my Radical Remissions and 3 Principles coaching community, and my Self-Realization Fellowship community had become the perfect expression of Divine Love in my life. After I recommitted to my own spiritual practice with a new level of practice and holistic integration, I experienced some wonderful new results, despite my racing, foggy brain. 

I felt Canada and Colorado occurred strategically to prepare me for this maelstrom. As low as I had gotten lately, the peace and healing within, and the hope born of these experiences, had been blessing me every day and every minute. 

I enjoyed two meditation retreats these last months, including time with wonderful SRF monks who modeled a deeply rewarding inner life beyond mental turmoil. Truly all of my training and interventions have blessed me beyond measure. 

As my beloved friend Bill Pettit says, “Nothing broken, never lacking!”. 

Yes, I often do not feel physically, mentally, emotionally or energetically at my best. And with every thought that comes into my head, I continually transform these thoughts into thoughts supporting physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health. This is the actual and true nature of Reality (capital “R”), and the source of all healing. Yes, there is a lot of opportunity to release the rage, frustration and terror (floating around the country now like a cloud) that may find it’s home in my hapless brain. I am just the man for the job.

I pray for knowledge of what I can control, and the serenity to accept what I can’t control. I create from the capital “I”, not the small “i”. Beyond my subconscious addictions and attachment to old patterns (the temporary and temporal karma of this life), the gorgeous expression of love in my life - through community, my beloved Mark, and family and friends - continue to lift me up when I am at my very lowest. 

My intention is now to create programs, similar to those I have trained in, to support both healing individuals - and those called to a new level of spiritual leadership and social activism in 2025. These programs leverage upset / disease as a call to action, while seeking to negate the “toxic certainty” that has a stranglehold now on our culture (and that I myself have felt - you really do coach what you wish to create within yourself!).

I feel the effects of these completions in my bones - as I feel the Divine Light of perfect health within!